by Shelby Roeder

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There are times in life where you feel hopeless. Where no matter what choice you choose you seem to get pushed further down the wrong path. I know that life almost always gets better if you have faith. But I never had much of that during the period of my life when I surrendered myself to a person I thought I loved. I may only be 16, but in these short years that I’ve been a patron in this world I’ve experienced events that some never will. When we talk about abundance and surrender people automatically flock towards all the wonderful things they’ve had in their lives and the things they’ve had to give up to achieve this; like having an abundance of love for a newborn, but surrendering the ability to sleep a night through. My story is not like that. It’s not really happy until the end, sort of like what happened to Snow White. She got her happy ending only after suffering the evil witch’s curse. To understand my story, I have to tell you what I surrendered and how my “abundance” began to crush me.

As you read this story, let me assure you that I know that my decisions were foolish. I know that I was too young to even be in a relationship. But that’s not what I thought back then. When I was thirteen years old, having a boyfriend was all I could think about. I wanted to experience all those wonderful things I saw on television. I wanted to have my first kiss, and I wanted to feel the butterflies everyone told me you get. What thirteen-year-old girl doesn’t?

We had just moved to a new state. I wasn’t thrilled about it. That small town shortly began to rear its head as my worst enemy. I didn’t like the people. I didn’t like the place we were staying, and I especially didn’t like my parents. During this period of time I felt quite alone. I just wanted to be alone. Shortly after arriving I started school again and that helped a small bit. It’s not like I really had a choice in that matter. I felt like everything was being chosen for me, and it drove me crazy. During the school year, what was left of it, I made approximately two friends. Then summer came – the summer that changed my life. It was the start of my almost three-year battle.

It started off like every other summer. I was lazy and planned on a summer without books and assignments. I couldn’t just lay around for three months. I felt like I was meant to do so much more! I was in a new place with new people, but I didn’t have very many friends. What was I supposed to do? A week or so into summer vacation I found my solution. My sister and I had noticed some noise coming from the general direction of our back yard and decided to investigate. My next door neighbor and his best friend were making a fuss and messing around in the back yard and we went to join them. This was the road I should never have walked down.

For the first few weeks all we did was hang out and cause friendly havoc in the backyard. My sister grew tired of the boys so it was just me hanging out with them by myself. It was fun and broke up the boredom of summer. That’s why when I found out how much one of them liked me, I was hesitant to ruin that. These boys had become the only people in my world. I felt as though no one else in that entire place would love me and treat me the way these boys did. But, again, I was angry at the world. I didn’t want to believe anyone loved me.

I began having a relationship with this boy. He was sixteen and I was thirteen when all this started. The relationship started like most. He was cute and funny, soaking up my entire being. Then about six months in, with some unusual ups and downs, things started getting worse. The relationship took a turn. We started fighting quite frequently, at least one argument every day. He would tell me who I could and couldn’t talk to. He would obsessively blow up my phone with text messages always asking what I was doing and why I wasn’t answering him immediately afterwards. This began to scare and annoy me. I hadn’t dealt with this before so I assumed it was just the end of the “honeymoon” phase and the beginning of a serious relationship. I pushed all thoughts of abnormalities in the relationship in to the back of my mind. That obviously wasn’t smart.

By our eight month’s mark, he had hit me for the first time. It wasn’t just a slap, and it wasn’t the last. From that point on I felt no freedom. I felt alone and I was scared. I wasn’t allowed to do the things I wanted to unless he said it was okay. I had lost the few friends I had, and I didn’t know what to do. This is what I surrendered: my freedom, my feeling of safety, and most of all I surrendered my ability to be myself. This is a just a small list of things I gave up to continue this relationship.

This went on for almost two years longer. I lived in an abundance of fear and regret. I didn’t want this, but every time I tried to end the relationship, it only seemed to get worse. These feelings nested in my chest and my head for months, until one day my father said he wasn’t good for me. It was the next summer right before ninth grade when my father stepped in and ended it. At first, I was actually angry with him. I felt like he didn’t let me make my own choices… until I realized what a good thing it was. It was a good thing wasn’t it? It helped me get the courage to tell this boy I couldn’t see him anymore.

Initially, however, it made things worse.

From the very first day of high school, this boy and I were around each other for almost eight hours a day. We rode the same bus, we had the same lunch hour, and we even had P.E. together. He made my time in high school horrid. He would follow me around and shove me into my locker. I had started seeing someone else and it all started to get a little better until one day he wanted to “talk”. He tried all day… on the bus, at breakfast; I just didn’t want to listen. So he got irate and ripped the headphones out of my ears, flinging them across the cafeteria. This had upset me, but I let it go and didn’t report it. Throughout the day he sent me horrible text messages. He enjoyed telling me what he thought of me and no, he didn’t think kindly. Eventually it got to the point that I just wanted to give up on everything. That’s when a new friend, my best friend now, told me I should take it to the school. I did.

Later that day he got suspended for two weeks. Mind you, that was not even close to the end of it. His behavior continued on, without anything that remotely resembled a finale in sight. He would do the same things to me that he did before. One day he followed me to art class and someone I now look at as my big brother helped me get him to stay away from me. The guy who protected me then took it to the school, and again my ex-boyfriend was suspended. This vicious cycle went on for months. I was afraid to go to school, to leave my house even. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong. I didn’t deserve this, did I?

Whenever he would return to school, he would leave me alone for a while. I just supposed that was because he was plotting something even bigger for the next time – he usually was. Finally, this boy hauled off and hit me at school. Now, I won’t lie to you, when the principle came and asked me what happened, I lied. I told him it was an accident. Someone who saw him hit me had gone to him and told him otherwise. I was angry at her that day, but now I salute her. She did something I couldn’t. This was the beginning of my journey to salvation.

During my time with him I surrendered my confidence, my self-esteem, my well-being, and my feeling of security. That period of my life was the one of the hardest times I’ve ever had. But after that last incident at school it all started getting better. The boy was finally expelled, and my father and I filed for a restraining order. At first, I felt like I had ruined his life. As crazy as it sounds, I don’t hate him, nor do I wish any harm on him. He had a hard childhood, not that that justifies his actions. Sometimes I feel that in some way this was all my fault. But then some of my rational thoughts bring me back to reality. We got the restraining order, but had to call law enforcement once for his failure to comply.

To this day I suffer from anxiety, and I’m still trying to pick up the pieces of myself that he seemed to have scattered about like sea glass on a beach. It’s been hard but with the abundance of support of those I love I get better every day.

After letting go and surrendering my boyfriend, I now live in an abundance of faith and happiness. I have picked up a majority of the pieces, but I still have some miles left on this road to peace. I have learned a lot from this, and I hope he has as well. I know I will never be the same again, but I know that I’m worth so much more than he gave me.

Please don’t ever be afraid to get away from someone who is abusive. I was afraid for too long, and it got me nowhere. Please try to remember, every day may not be good, but there’s something good every day.

DATING ABUSE RESOURCES FOR TEENS

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Shelby Roeder is a senior in high school, a talented writer and actress, and is looking forward to attending college in the fall. She is also my beautiful niece, and I am so proud to have her as one of my RAIN Writers as well as to publish her in RAIN Magazine and right here on SATURDAISIES.

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Daisy Rain Martin is an author, speaker, advocate, and educator as well as a founding member of The Flying M-Inklings Writing Group. Her comedic memoir, Juxtaposed: Finding Sanctuary on the Outside, was Christopher Matthew’s #1 top selling book in 2012. She has a free e-book on her website for anyone who has or is currently being sexually abused called, If It’s Happened to You. Her next book, Hope Givers: Hope is Here, will be out soon. Daisy is also the Editor in Chief of RAIN Magazine, an online magazine that has been a fundraising effort for her three favorite charities and features new, up-and-coming writers. Please follow her weekly blog, SATURDAISIES, which addresses a plethora of current issues including child advocacy, all things hilarious, and matters of the heart. She would love for you to join the Rainy Dais Community by friending her on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.